Taking a pause before responding to texts and emails

We live in a culture of immediacy. Within seconds we can send and receive texts and emails, pull up videos or content on just about anything, and satisfy many of our desires for consumption and connection.

But, what if that sense of immediacy is distorting and damaging how we interact with one another and the world around us?

A little over 10 years ago, I asked some friends to review a sales page I'd put together for a program I offered, and I included a line on the sales page stating that I would respond to inquiries within a certain time frame. One of the friends told me that I should respond to inquiries immediately and thus should remove the time frame notice. Not long after this, that same friend texted me in the middle of the night. They lived a few time zones behind me so it was late for them, but not as late as it was for me. The text came through after I was in bed and asleep, so I did not respond until the next day while on my train commute to work. This sparked a meltdown of our friendship and my receiving some insults and accusations from this person in follow up texts. My perception was that because I hadn't responded immediately, this person thought I didn't care about them as deeply as I actually did. Their text was not about an emergent or even urgent matter. It was routine, daily life stuff, so I was surprised by this response. 

I have many friends who worry if they text their children and don't get immediate responses -- I've been there myself as a parent! -- and many colleagues and acquaintances over the years who seem surprised if they don't receive immediate replies to non-urgent texts and emails. 

I really think we are doing ourselves and those around us a disservice by expecting immediacy. Of course, with our children, we want to know they are safe and ok, so I'm not going to address communication with your kids any further in this post. In fact, I'm really going to only discuss my own responsiveness in an age of immediacy.

Ever since that incident with the middle of the night text and resultant upset feelings from the sender, I've tried to make clear that I NEVER expect immediate replies from anyone unless I make clear that my message is urgent -- I'll text a friend "I have a problem and need a reply as soon as humanely possible" (or some variation) and then my message. In an email, I might state, "I really need reply before x-date" if something is time sensitive. 

However, most things in life are not that urgent. Most of our daily communications are pretty mundane and routine, but technology has caused us to assign an immediacy to things that isn't warranted. 

When people reply to my non-urgent texts or emails with "Sorry for the delay..." I almost always respond by telling them that no apology is necessary as there wasn't an emergency and I know they have their own busy lives and priorities. 

The only time I ever worry about immediate replies are if I text a particular couple of friends and don't hear from them within five or six or seven hours and they haven't told me previously that they'd be busy -- I text with these few friends off and on all day on most days of the week, so to not hear from them for a while would worry me. But really, even these friends don't ever owe me an immediate reply. I only worry about them when I haven't heard from them and am not aware of them being busy or away from their phones because of patterns we've established and things I know about their lives. Periodically, we will text and say, "Hey, putting my phone down for a break" or there will be life events that I know are keeping them busy and away from their phones. 

Over the next couple of months, I want to make it even more of a habit to not fall into urgency and immediacy with texts and emails where it isn't warranted, but especially with people that I have more complex or difficult relationships with or that bring up an emotional or visceral response. As I write this, I've decided to give myself a 24 hour period before replying to a particular email in my inbox because it's from a person that brings up a strong emotional response. There is nothing urgent about the exchange and I know from past experience that this person will understand if I wait a day before replying -- they have a similar philosophy about immediacy.

All of that said, however, I do believe in letting people know that you can't reply immediately if it seems like they are expecting a quick response -- a simple "I can't reply right now" or "I need to step away from the conversation for the moment but will get back to you" or "I will reply later today/tomorrow/etc" will go a long way towards letting the other person know you saw their message and aren't ignoring them. 

Give yourself a break and live life without expecting anyone to respond to your texts and emails immediately unless you've indicated a reason why they should -- a couple of springs back, I fell and badly injured my wrist. I texted a friend "911 -- please answer when I call in a minute" because I needed her to know my call was urgent. Outside of situations like that, do you really NEED an immediate response? Most of the time, you probably don't.

~ Malea